By Mark Danielson
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November 3, 2023
Connecting with Foster Children: Insights from My Journey By Dr. Mark Danielson Entering the world of foster care is a profound commitment, one that has taken me on an enlightening journey. Over the years, I've realized that each child carries a unique narrative, a story often scarred by trauma, fear, and displacement. I'd like to share some insights from my experiences, hoping they may guide others in helping these young souls find comfort and security.. The Raw Emotion Behind Each Story Every child stepping into the world of foster care carries with them the weight of their past. Their stories, though silent, reverberate loudly in their behaviors, responses, and reactions. One such indelible memory etched in my mind is that of a 13-year-old boy. Removed from all that he knew as 'home', he was thrust into an unfamiliar room surrounded by strangers - adults discussing his immediate future. Amid the overwhelming cacophony of voices, what stood out to me was his silent cry. While it may have seemed like just another day for the professionals in the room, for this young soul, it was a pivotal moment in his life. Rather than partake in the discussions at the table, I was drawn to sit by his side on the floor, seeking a connection, an understanding of the tumult of emotions he was experiencing. That simple act served as a poignant reminder that beyond the administrative procedures and formalities, there lies the essence of foster care - the emotional well-being of the child. It drove home the realization that to truly support these children, one must delve deeper, tapping into the reservoir of their feelings, fears, and hopes, acknowledging their past while helping them navigate their future. The Unfamiliarity of A New Home Imagine walking into a room where everything seems alien - the sights, sounds, and even the scents. This is the reality for many foster children. As adults, we often take solace in the comfort and serenity of a neat, quiet home. But for a child coming from a tumultuous environment, this 'ideal' can be a stark contrast to what they've known. Over the years, I've made conscious efforts to step into their shoes, to see the world from their vantage point. A fresh scent that we find pleasant might evoke feelings of dislocation for them. A neatly arranged room, which offers us a sense of calm, might seem sterile to a child who's used to clutter. To truly help them adjust, it's crucial to recognize these subtle yet significant differences and understand that what's comforting for one might be unsettling for another. Understanding The Underlying Fear Fear is a complex emotion. Its roots often go deep, masked by external behaviors that may seem inexplicable to the untrained eye. I've encountered children who, on the surface, appear calm and collected upon entering their new foster home. But lurking beneath that calm exterior are anxieties and fears waiting to bubble up. These fears are often a response to past traumas and can manifest in myriad ways, from resistance to authority to an aversion to certain triggers. Recognizing this, it becomes evident that the path to building trust and understanding is not through mere discipline or routine. Instead, it involves acknowledging the child's experiences, providing a safe environment for them to express their fears, and working together to address the roots of these anxieties. Only then can we hope to pave the way for true healing and connection. The Importance of Addressing Food Insecurities Food, a basic human need, is more than just sustenance; it's a source of comfort, a symbol of care, and for some, an assurance of stability. My wife and I were quick to realize that for many of the children coming into our care, food represented more than just meals; it was deeply intertwined with their emotional security. These children, having faced uncertain circumstances, often developed profound food insecurities that went beyond just the physical hunger. By placing a basket of snacks in their room, we were offering more than just treats. This gesture conveyed a message: "You are cared for, you won't go hungry here, and you have autonomy over something as essential as your food." And while some may argue over the nutritional value of the snacks, the underlying sentiment is irreplaceable. For a child grappling with unpredictability and change, such simple acts can foster a sense of constancy and reassurance that they are in a place where their needs will be met, and their fears acknowledged. Recognizing Their Identity At the heart of every individual is a desire to be recognized and acknowledged for who they are. For children in foster care, this need becomes even more profound, given the myriad of changes and adjustments they have to contend with. One particular instance that stands out is when we prepped a room for a child joining our home. By painting it her favorite shade of blue and adding personalized touches, we were sending a message: "You matter, and we see you." Such gestures, while seemingly simple, hold immense power. It's not just about decor or aesthetics; it's about creating spaces where these children can see reflections of themselves. Where they can feel that their preferences matter and that they are not just another name or face in the system but unique individuals who deserve recognition and respect. The Nuances of Safety Safety is multifaceted. While physical safety is undoubtedly crucial, the emotional and psychological dimensions of safety are just as significant, if not more so. A child may be in an environment free from physical harm, but if they constantly feel on edge or apprehensive, their overall well-being is compromised. Over the years, through interactions with various children, I've come to understand that safety is highly individualistic. For one child, it might mean being able to close their bedroom door; for another, it could be the freedom to express their feelings without fear of retribution. As caregivers, it's our responsibility to be attuned to these nuances, to look beyond the obvious and delve deeper into the psyche of each child. By doing so, we can create an environment where not only are they protected from external harm but where they truly feel secure, valued, and at peace. Conclusion In my journey, I've come to understand that fostering is not just about providing a home. It’s about nurturing, understanding, and building trust. By genuinely connecting with these children, seeing the world from their perspective, we can offer them not just a house, but a true home where they feel valued, understood, and, most importantly, loved.